Sundays Are Hard

Jun 30, 2024

Dear Readers,

I barely made it in time to send out a June issue! Today is the last day of June, and it’s a Sunday…and Sundays have become difficult for me, ever since stepping down as rector of St. David’s on Sunday, May 12. I had to say at both services “I publicly state that my tenure as rector of St. David’s ends this day.” I cried through that part.

My first Sunday after that, I attended Manakin Episcopal, where my friend Gini is rector. The following Sunday I had just had treatment so watched the livestream at St. David’s, and have watched the livestream since. I love seeing my former parishioners. I love seeing the wonderful ministry Carleton Bakkum, the summer supply priest, is doing with them—he has even set up office hours every other week to meet with people and talk about whatever they want.

And yet, it’s excruciating, too. I had to leave before I was ready. I had to step down because of my health.

I’m grateful for the seven and a half months I had at St. David’s after returning from my 2023 disability. At one point, I didn’t think I was going to be able to return. I even included a prayer about that in the Irreverent Prayers: Talking to God When You’re Seriously Sick book that I wrote with Samantha Vincent-Alexander, which will be out this Tuesday, July 2:

Prayer When Contemplating Quitting One’s Job Due to Medical Issues

How long shall this wicked congregation complain against me? I have heard the complaints of the Israelites, which they complain against me. —Numbers 14:27

For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. —Jeremiah 29:11

Then he said to them all, “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” —Luke 9:23

God, who did not give up on the Israelites even though they complained incessantly in the wilderness: I love my job but don’t think I can do it anymore without wrecking my health. Is doing something that may be harming me a way of taking up a cross daily? I believe the promises you made through Jeremiah, wanting me to live a future with hope, but I do not know whether continuing to work at this vocation is an act of hope or barreling toward harm. I also don’t know how I am supposed to scrape by financially without it. Please guide me. Amen.

That Jeremiah verse always brings me hope. When I was out on disability the first time, in 2020, a parishioner copied it onto a card that I kept on my desk while undergoing chemo. It strengthened me. I prayed about St. David’s often last year. After my hospitalizations this year, I knew it was time. I wasn’t able to do what the job required any more.

So, Sundays are hard. I miss celebrating the Eucharist. I miss preaching. I miss the chasubles. Most of all, I miss the people whom I believe God entrusted to my care, for a time. I have to remind myself that I was just a steward. It was never going to be permanent. I’m so grateful that St. David’s continues to flourish without me—but it’s hard.

Thankfully, I still have my books! I turned in the manuscript for my third book last Friday, and next Tuesday, Samantha and my second book will launch. I will read from it and sign copies at The Little Bookshop in Midlothian at 6 PM on Tuesday, July 2. My sister and niece are in town to celebrate with me. I’m scheduled for a chemo/targeted treatment that day, but normally I don’t start to feel terrible after chemo until the third day, so it shouldn’t affect anything. I hope to see you on Tuesday if you are local!

What do you do on Sundays? Are you at church, sleeping in, eating pancakes, or…? Leave a comment.

Blessings.

Elizabeth

Desert Owl Among the Ruins

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