Living Life in Pencil

Challenging for a Planner!

May 20, 2023

Dear Readers,

Happy month of May. My 34 radiation sessions are over, and now I’m adjusting to my powerful new targeted therapy drug. I have a rare mutation, EGFR exon 20, and this new drug is for people with lung cancer with that mutation who have previously had platinum-based chemo. There aren’t many of us! This medicine was only approved in September 2021, and I’m my experienced oncologist’s first patient on it. The side effects so far have been unpleasant and a little extreme, but I’m learning to manage them and still hope to get back to work June 1—less than two weeks.

I recognize, however, that anything can change at any time. My sister Wendy commented back in February that I am having to live my life in pencil, which perfectly sums it up. I may make plans, but they often have to change.

My niece, nephew-in-law, and their two brilliant and funny children are visiting, a visit I’ve prayed over in pencil, sure that someone would get sick or the flight would be messed up or the conference canceled: but they are here. Watching my great niece run up into my arms after the drive from DC after a red-eye flight from the other side of the country was everything. The azaleas are no longer in bloom, but we still have a few peonies, and she sniffed them eagerly at my encouragement. Like the first time I came to Virginia, she and her little brother are struck by all the green. I’ve been anxious about the stuff I might not get to do: would the splash pad at the botanical gardens be complete? Can I make it through the butterfly exhibit without passing out? But so far, their first day, we’ve stayed close to home, where they enthusiastically colored with the coloring books I got them (swords for him, Virginia birds for her) and went on little adventures with my husband.

I’ve always been a planner, and I’ve never handled changes to my plans as graciously as I wish. Now I’m trying not to plan too much. This visit is incredible so far, and we have to stay flexible. Living life in pencil. I’m anxious about returning to work: the amount of standing I do during church services; visiting people in cramped hospital rooms or nursing homes in my current state; evening meetings. I’m trying not to plan too much. Slogans such as “Let go and let God” irritate me, but I recognize that I am not in charge and that I need my eraser ready.

Last night I was sniffing an alcohol wipe in an effort not to throw up, a trick I learned in the hospital, and my great-niece brought me over a drawing pad and some crayons and told me to draw “whatever I wanted.” Which was nothing: I don’t draw. But I drew a book, and then she drew a book, and then she asked me to cut the books out of the paper, and all of that helped distract me from my nausea. And later I realized that some of the crayons she had brought me were her coveted glitter crayons. Maybe as the days roll by I can advance from living in pencil to glitter crayons.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

What I’m Writing:

Next month I can finally link to sermons again (assuming all goes according to plan…) For now, I did have a piece run in Faith + Lead this month which was then rerun on the EerdWord blog:

Why Celebrating Mother’s Day in Church is Complicated

What I’m Reading:

Don’t Think, Dear: On Loving and Leaving Ballet. Horrified by how brutal ballet has been for so many young women and their body image.

Antoinette Brown Blackwell: A Biography by Elizabeth Cazden. An out-of-print biography about a remarkable ordained woman.

Grace in the Rearview Mirror: Four Women Priests on Brokenness, Belonging, and the Beauty of God. This one is co-authored by my friend (and co-author!) Samantha Vincent-Alexander!

The Sacred Life of Bread: Uncovering the Mystery of an Ordinary Loaf by Meghan Murphy Gill. Excellent rumination by a member of my weekly clergy writing group.

Preordering Unexpected Abundance

The launch for my first book will be August 22 at The Little Bookshop in Midlothian! If you are local, please call them at 804-464-1244 to preorder it and pick it up at the launch. If you aren’t local, you can buy it many places, including Amazon or Bookshop.org. Preorders are important, and I’m grateful if you can place one.